Cultivating a sense of inner kindness and welcoming is a hill I am willing to die on.

This is a hill I will die on.

It’s an easy trap to fall into, given the culture we live in, to believe that parts of ourselves aren’t right. To find ourselves thinking that it’s not okay to be needy, to think that we need to kill off our people pleasers, exorcise our anxiety, stop being a victim and claim our empowerment. To beat ourselves up for finding it hard to take off the suit of armour and be more open, more soft, more vulnerable.

It’s like we’re trying to chop ourselves into pieces and only keep the good bits.

But that’s not how healing works. That’s not how growth works. That’s not how we get what we want. That’s not how we create bright, bold, satisfying lives that hit all the right buttons, full of the kinds of experiences we TRULY want. Not the things we think we should want, or the things we’re settling for, but the things that will light us up like fireworks and have everyone around us grinning because our joy is infectious.

This is a hill I will die on - the idea that the best way to get what we want - whether that’s the confidence to run a successful business selling stained glass frogs to fairies, or the ability to have our needs met by a partner without feeling needy or manipulative, or the solid sense of self worth that will enable us to have the hard conversation about whose turn it is to take the bins out that’s not about whose turn it is to take the bins out, is with kindness.

Kindness, and the attitude of welcoming. All of it. All of us.

It’s not turning away from the part of us who needs reassurance. It’s not shoving down our need for validation. It’s not sucking it up and pushing through and faking it until we make it. It’s not chopping ourselves into pieces and only keeping the good bits.

Healing, growth, and our deepest most delightful dreams come through making ALL the parts of ourselves welcome. The needy parts, the judgy parts, the inner children, the defensive parts that arc up and pick fights in response to criticism.

Why? Because we can be our silly, beautiful, whimsical, sultry, confident, magical, tender, innocent, smartass, funny human selves best when we feel safe.

Can you remember a time when you’ve been able to be silly? When you’ve felt comfortable enough to share something tender? When you’ve felt accepted enough to tell someone that actually, you don’t really like 90’s hip hop and perhaps you could listen to grunge instead?

I’m willing to bet that you didn’t feel able to be your most free self through policing which bits of you are acceptable enough to get a seat at the table and disowning the rest.

I’m willing to bet that those times when you’ve felt your most free self, subconsciously, your nervous system felt safe enough to be unguarded.

Safety isn’t created through criticism.

Safety is created through welcoming.

We create safety through making it okay to feel how we’re feeling. Through recognising that there’s a part of us who is feeling angry and insecure and picking fights with our lover. And perhaps that reaction isn’t useful, but we’re not going to create the circumstance for effective change by calling ourselves stupid and disowning the scared child who shows up whenever anyone gets mad at us.

We’re going to create the circumstances for change through kindness.

When we create safety through welcome, we make it okay for us to be who and how we are, and when we feel safe and comfortable, that’s when change can happen. That’s when we can grow and evolve and make the mistakes we need to make in the process of becoming more skillful with setting boundaries or with being less defensive.

But… if everything is welcome, and it’s okay to be how I am, AND I try to be kind to all the parts of me that I have disowned, wouldn’t I just end up stuck with a whole bunch of shitty traits and reactivity that I’ve been trying to get away from?

It’s a valid question, and my answer is this:

When we’re chopping ourselves into pieces and trying to only keep the good bits, we’re fighting against ourselves. Which has to be a losing battle - because in order to win, part of us has to lose.

When we’re making all of ourselves welcome, we’re fighting FOR something bigger than ourselves. If we want more love, we start fighting for love. If we want more connection, we’re fighting for beautiful relationships. If we want more creativity or adventure, we’re fighting for experiences that cultivate a feeling of wonder and awe.

And when we’re fighting for something - that’s a fight we can win.

It’s possible to welcome the part of us that is needy and manipulative, without agreeing with their tactics to receive the attention and validation they’re craving. To see the underlying desire for belonging and love, without condoning the behaviour.

If it’s okay for you to have a needy part, and that needy part feels welcome, it often becomes much less needy because it’s not afraid of missing out on the love that it craves.

This is a hill I will die on. Encouragement to cultivate an attitude of kindness and welcoming for all of the parts of ourselves.

Think of having a teacher who stands up the front of the class with a scowl and a big red pen, watching for the smallest infraction or the first hint of a mistake to make you fail the class. If you’re in this class, it’s likely you’re motivated to succeed out of fear, and you’re unlikely to try anything outside of your comfort zone.

Think of having a teacher who stands up the front of the class with a smile and a whole pile of gold stars, watching for even the smallest effort she can reward you for. Mistakes are celebrated as steps on the path to mastering new skills. If you’re in this class, it’s likely you’re motivated to succeed out of curiosity and excitement to find out what else is possible.

It’s like that - put yourself in the class with an inner attitude of handing out gold stars for everything, and see what starts to happen.

No more disowning parts of yourself. No more denying parts of yourself. No more judging and criticising. Acknowledgement, acceptance and love.

Imagine what might happen if the world was made up of people who were practising this, first with themselves and then, with each other?

This is the kind of world I want to live in.

And this is the kind of space I do my best to cultivate with my clients - so if you’d like a kind, welcoming space to explore what it might be like to cultivate your own internal welcome, please click here to get in touch. I am currently accepting new 1:1 clients and would love to chat with you to see if we’d be a good fit.