Fight for, not against: a trick with boundary setting
Boundaries are easier when they’re FOR something, not against it.
When they’re in service to something we want.
Here’s an example - I recently read a terrifying book about sleep (highly recommend it - it’s called ‘Why We Sleep’ by Matthew Walker, if you’re interested).
Reading this book made me understand how and why sleep is so important, and what happens to our brains, immune system, memory, judgement and mental health (among other things) when we don’t get enough of it. As someone who goes through times where I have trouble sleeping, this made the importance of as much good sleep as I can get even higher up my priority list.
Good sleep is something I am willing to fight for.
Amongst the many terrifying things in ‘Why We Sleep’ is an explanation of how alcohol impacts the quality and type of sleep we get, and how our brain functions while we’re sleeping.
Just like that I became someone who doesn’t drink in the evening (it takes about eight hours for bodies to process alcohol). It became easy for me to put a boundary around alcohol, because I’m more for good sleep than I am for a good time (and maybe I’m getting old, also). It’s the same as the way many people don’t drink coffee after lunch - they want a good sleep more than they want that 4pm caffeine hit.
I’m not fighting AGAINST alcohol because it’s bad for me, I’m fighting FOR good sleep because that’s my priority.
So if you want to practise knowing when and how to set boundaries (particularly if this is something you struggle with), it can be useful to look at what your priorities are in life right now.
What’s important to you? Spending time with family, getting the most out of the course you’ve signed up for? Your physical and mental health? The work you’re doing? The house you’re saving for? The dream you’re building?
How do you want to feel? Satisfied? Connected? On track? Rested?
Once you know what your priorities are, when opportunities (or distractions) come your way, you have something to check them against. Does this invitation support what’s important to me right now? Or does it detract from it? Or is it fairly neutral?
If it detracts from what you’re focussing on, perhaps that’s an indication of a boundary that needs to be set. And having a clear focus makes it easier to communicate your boundaries.
“No, thank you, I do love those secret hidden cocktail bars, but I’m prioritising sleep.”
“Usually I’d love to come climb Mt Everest with you, but right now I’m spending as much time as I can with my parents as they get older.”
“I’m flattered you asked, but I don’t have capacity for that right now.”
Fight for, not against, and see how that feels - try it and see what you think.
And if you’d like some support figuring out how to apply this in your own life, maybe you’d like to get in touch. We can look at this together and I can also help you learn how your body is also a very good barometer of when and where to set boundaries.