I have no idea what I’m doing, and it’s glorious.
Which is hilarious, because twenty years ago (twenty? When did I get this old?) I wouldn’t have said it was glorious. I’d have said it was terrifying.
I’d also have told you no, thank you, I can’t meet you for coffee on Saturday morning because that’s the time I do laundry. I’d built myself such rigid routines to try to know what I was doing, to try to contain the fear of not having a clue.
When I have no idea what I’m doing, I’m free to follow what feels good – to connect the dots that my own inner knowing points out. I have no preconceived plan. I don’t really have goals. And somehow, with no idea what I’m doing, no idea where I’m going, and no goals, I’m always doing interesting things, going interesting places, meeting interesting people, and having interesting experiences, and instead of the stagnation I’d expect to feel with no plan and no clue what I’m doing, my life feels like it’s on a positive trajectory to awesome places.
That’s because while I don’t have a clue what I’m doing, what I do have is desires. And I’ve said it before and will doubtless say it again – I have no control over my desires. I just want the things I want. Sometimes they make no sense, but still I want them.
Earlier this year I made a commitment to my inner knowing to follow where it led and do what it said, no matter what. Even if it’s uncomfortable. Even if it’s scary. Even if it makes no sense. And what I’m finding is freedom. Healing. Serendipity. Joy. Abundance. All the things I thought I couldn’t have when I was trying to fit into a box that wasn’t mine.
Here’s the process I followed.
Step 1: Learn what inner knowing feels or looks or sounds like. It’s often irritating, particularly when I’m ignoring it.
Step 2: Learn to trust inner knowing even when it makes no sense. This involves letting go of however I thought my life would look or should look (move 2000km to a place I know literally no one in the middle of a pandemic? Really? Well… okay).
Step 3: Do what inner knowing says, no questions asked (or with questions, but then doing it whether there are answers or not).
Step 4: Marvel at how much my life fits me now, delight in the strange, serendipitous happenings that show up, enjoy a life that’s uniquely mine.
There are more steps after this, and sub-steps inside ot those 4… but steps 1-4 are a good place to start if you want to go on your own journey. And if you want support, message me 🙂
Right now, my inner knowing is saying put the internet down and go for a walk to a turmeric latte. And so, I obey.